Filled with Emotions

So, this blog is kind of just to wrap my head around news I received today. I know my thoughts are jumbled, just bear with me.

Today my 90 year old grandpa had surgery to stop some bleeding caused by his bladder cancer. Unfortunately, when they got in there, they couldn't do anything to stop the bleeding. This is after he was told a couple months ago that the cancer was spreading and there was little they could do in the way of more chemo or radiation. Today the doctors told my mom (who is an only child) that there was nothing more than can do. It could be days, weeks, months, or even a year. But the inevitable will happen soon. What hard news to hear about your Dad. I couldn't even imagine. It's hard enough to hear about a grandfather. The doctor suggested hospice to my mom. My grandma is obviously VERY against hospice, as she knows what that means. My mom is a nurse, and I think that's harder sometimes on her. Yes, she can talk to the doctors a little better, but sometimes it's easier not completely understanding what's happening. So, now the decision is where to go from here. When Grandpa woke up from surgery, he asked Mom what they did. She told him they couldn't fix it completely. He knew something was wrong when he went into the hospital with one catheter bag and now has four. Mom didn't tell him anymore. She wanted to give him today, and tomorrow she'll lay the harder news on him. He's a very stubborn man and hates to ask for help, so I know any kind of help, especially hospice will be hard for him.

I have one sister and brother who still live in the area and are able to help Mom if she needs it. I feel bad being so far away. All I could do was call Mom several times today to make sure she was OK. I'm doing OK. I've prepared myself for this. After going through this with Grandma and Grandpa Rolves, I kind of know how to respond a little better (at least for me). It's hard and it's sad, but what I'm really worried about is my Mom and Grandma. Grandpa has lived a very long, good life. While it will be VERY sad when he passes, he lived a good life. It's those that are left behind to mourn him that I worry about. All of my sisters are going to be back home in a couple weeks, so all five of us kids can be there for Mom and to help out in any way that we can. I know it will be hard to leave again, but we've been through it before. It doesn't get easier, but I learn to deal with it a little better.

I was talking to my sister today and I admitted having a hard time. With my Grandpa Rolves (Pop), Steve and I were still living in Springfield when he died. My sister, Becky, and I drove down on a weekend and went to the hospital to say our goodbyes to Pop. This was horrible. It was days before he passed. I will never forget that strong farmer, laying motionless in his hospital bed. More than that, I remember my Dad and his reaction to us girls telling his Dad goodbye. I don't know which was worse for me. It was one of the worst feelings ever. With Grandma Rolves, we left after Christmas on New Year's Day and she was at Mom and Dad's happy, but admitted she had a little cold, so she would only hug us goodbye. Later that week, we found out her little cold was actually brain cancer. She lived another 3 long months. That was the last time I saw her, happy and herself. I thank God for that last memory of her. I tell you all this because I don't know which was better, getting to say goodbye or a happy healthy memory. I am struggling with that decision in regards to Pa. I know that I have to go see him when we're home. It's selfish of me to make that decision for me. He needs to know that his family is there for him and those he will leave behind. I will just personally struggle with it.

All of this happening to Pa, like I said before, makes me worry about my Mom. She is a very strong woman, but I know she puts a lot on her shoulders. I worry about how she's holding up. I know nothing has happened yet, but when it does, everything will happen so fast. I hope he does live another year. That would be great, but it's not completely realistic.

It also makes me think about my own Dad's mortality. It makes me sick to even think about it. I'm such a Daddy's Girl. I can't even imagine my life without him. Just yesterday he called just to talk to Page. It was the sweetest thing ever! She loves her Papa SO much. I hope my Dad lives to 90 or older, too! I guess this all just makes me think about my life and how I should treasure every moment of every day. I hope to live into my 90s and have many children and grandchildren to care about me in my time of need.

OK, I think that's it for now. I just needed to get some of that off my chest to help me work through it. I hope this blog doesn't offend any of my family, as it was only meant to help me through this time. I know we'll all come together as a family when the time comes. That's what is important. Please keep my grandpa, grandma, Mom, and other family in your thoughts and prayers.

Beautiful Blogger Award

I was awarded the Beautiful Blogger Award from a great friend, Danielle Lutz from "The Lutz Family". She is a great friend who I met on a mom's website and we became awesome friends in AZ! She is a baseball wife and her husband is here in AZ for rehab. She recently moved back to MA to stay with her family for a while, but it looks like she may be coming back for a little while during her husband's continued rehab! She has the most adorable little boy, Ryder, who Page loves to play with! We can't wait to see her and Ryder again, whether it be soon or again this spring for Spring Training!!!

Apparently there are some rules that go with this award. I have to thank those who gave it to me, and I have to tell seven things that my blog readers may not know about me. So, here it goes!

1. I grew up in a VERY small town. When I was in elementary school, the town had a population of 900 people and my 8th grade graduation was 16 people! While it seems crazy, I loved it. Sometimes I secretly wish we still lived in Albers, or even Clinton County, so it was easier to make friends and have family around. I know it would drive me crazy as I am now a big city girl, but there were definitely some perks.

2. I love being creative, even though I don't think I'm very good at it. I love making calendars, photo books, and other photo gifts. I know it's not super creative, but I'm not the most creative person, so it helps me get the creative bug out!

3. I hate the mall. I love taking Page to play at the mall, but I do not enjoy shopping there. I'm not a huge shopper in general. If I can't buy it online (other than groceries and small items) I usually don't get it. I don't know when or why this phenomenon happened, but I know my husband loves it about me! :)

4. As much as I love Arizona and the weather, I can't wait to move back to the Midwest. It's become much worse since Page has been born and with another on the way. I miss having family and friends around. It's so hard to even plan an evening out here, because we barely know anyone (after 4 years) who we feel we can ask to babysit Page. We met a lot of friends when we first moved here, but they are all in different places in their lives, and don't understand the life of a parent.

5. I'm addicted to the Internet. I could easily spend all day on the Internet. You wouldn't know it by my blog, but I love the way I can just get lost in the Internet. I'm a secret stalker on Facebook. I love just looking at my friends' pages to see what's going on in their lives. Creepy, I know. :)

6. I loved Disneyland, maybe more than Page! I had been to Walt Disney World when I was a very little girl, age 6, but going as an adult and a parent was SO much fun. Page had a blast and so did I. I'm so glad that Page has followed in my footsteps and is in love with Ariel, the Little Mermaid. Ariel has always been my favorite, too. Page now requests that everyone calls her "Princess Page, the Mermaid". It's too stinking cute.

7. I love road trips with Steve. Ever since we met, we've always enjoyed going on road trips together. We did so on our honeymoon, many trips before and after we were married, and of course, our MANY trips back to IL and all over the country! Steve and I, together, have seen almost all of the 50 states. We still need to hit the East Coast and Hawaii and Alaska. Other than that, he and I have been to all of the other states together and I own a ceramic turtle from every state we've ever been to! I do love turtles, too!!!

Now, I would like to give this award to... my sister, Heather over at "What Makes Me SMILE"... maybe this will get her blogging again! She's like me, a busy mom who forgets about the blog a lot but always has fun stories to tell. So, Heather, here's to an updated Blog! :)

Second Trimester.... FINALLY

OK, so I know it's been well over a month since my last blog. There's been SO much going on and I really have NO excuse for not blogging, just laziness. Since the last time I blogged, we've finished the school year out with my daycare kids (I only had one kid once a week all summer), we've been to CA to see Legoland and Disneyland, we've taken a trip to IL for Tad's wedding, and now we're busy preparing for Annual Conference next week. After that, another trip to IL for our Annual Summer Trip Home!

I guess the biggest thing that has happened to us in the last few months (other than Disneyland - if you ask Page... it may be the biggest thing) is that we were finally able to announce to all of our family and friends that... WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!! Page is going to be a big sister! All of our friends and family were thrilled (many not so surprised) and so are we! This past Monday marked the beginning of our Second Trimester! Thank goodness!!!! I'm hoping that the beginning of the second trimester means that all this gross "all day" sickness and extreme tiredness goes away. So far, it's getting better, but not gone! I'm hoping before our big trip...

We have a lot going on in our lives right now. We are excited and anxious about it all. I will try to get some pictures on here from Disneyland, and all our other adventures. If it doesn't happen... join facebook and check out my photos! They are all there.

OK, so for now, I'm out. I'll be sure to report in more often with all the excitement going on. Also, as soon as I get a belly picture taken, I'll be sure to put it up!

Oh, one last thing... in May, I had to say goodbye to a REALLY GREAT friend that I made here. She is awesome and... SHE'S COMING BACK!!! It's not under the best circumstances, but I'm happy to have Danielle and Ryder (Page's little buddy) back in AZ!