Filled with Emotions

So, this blog is kind of just to wrap my head around news I received today. I know my thoughts are jumbled, just bear with me.

Today my 90 year old grandpa had surgery to stop some bleeding caused by his bladder cancer. Unfortunately, when they got in there, they couldn't do anything to stop the bleeding. This is after he was told a couple months ago that the cancer was spreading and there was little they could do in the way of more chemo or radiation. Today the doctors told my mom (who is an only child) that there was nothing more than can do. It could be days, weeks, months, or even a year. But the inevitable will happen soon. What hard news to hear about your Dad. I couldn't even imagine. It's hard enough to hear about a grandfather. The doctor suggested hospice to my mom. My grandma is obviously VERY against hospice, as she knows what that means. My mom is a nurse, and I think that's harder sometimes on her. Yes, she can talk to the doctors a little better, but sometimes it's easier not completely understanding what's happening. So, now the decision is where to go from here. When Grandpa woke up from surgery, he asked Mom what they did. She told him they couldn't fix it completely. He knew something was wrong when he went into the hospital with one catheter bag and now has four. Mom didn't tell him anymore. She wanted to give him today, and tomorrow she'll lay the harder news on him. He's a very stubborn man and hates to ask for help, so I know any kind of help, especially hospice will be hard for him.

I have one sister and brother who still live in the area and are able to help Mom if she needs it. I feel bad being so far away. All I could do was call Mom several times today to make sure she was OK. I'm doing OK. I've prepared myself for this. After going through this with Grandma and Grandpa Rolves, I kind of know how to respond a little better (at least for me). It's hard and it's sad, but what I'm really worried about is my Mom and Grandma. Grandpa has lived a very long, good life. While it will be VERY sad when he passes, he lived a good life. It's those that are left behind to mourn him that I worry about. All of my sisters are going to be back home in a couple weeks, so all five of us kids can be there for Mom and to help out in any way that we can. I know it will be hard to leave again, but we've been through it before. It doesn't get easier, but I learn to deal with it a little better.

I was talking to my sister today and I admitted having a hard time. With my Grandpa Rolves (Pop), Steve and I were still living in Springfield when he died. My sister, Becky, and I drove down on a weekend and went to the hospital to say our goodbyes to Pop. This was horrible. It was days before he passed. I will never forget that strong farmer, laying motionless in his hospital bed. More than that, I remember my Dad and his reaction to us girls telling his Dad goodbye. I don't know which was worse for me. It was one of the worst feelings ever. With Grandma Rolves, we left after Christmas on New Year's Day and she was at Mom and Dad's happy, but admitted she had a little cold, so she would only hug us goodbye. Later that week, we found out her little cold was actually brain cancer. She lived another 3 long months. That was the last time I saw her, happy and herself. I thank God for that last memory of her. I tell you all this because I don't know which was better, getting to say goodbye or a happy healthy memory. I am struggling with that decision in regards to Pa. I know that I have to go see him when we're home. It's selfish of me to make that decision for me. He needs to know that his family is there for him and those he will leave behind. I will just personally struggle with it.

All of this happening to Pa, like I said before, makes me worry about my Mom. She is a very strong woman, but I know she puts a lot on her shoulders. I worry about how she's holding up. I know nothing has happened yet, but when it does, everything will happen so fast. I hope he does live another year. That would be great, but it's not completely realistic.

It also makes me think about my own Dad's mortality. It makes me sick to even think about it. I'm such a Daddy's Girl. I can't even imagine my life without him. Just yesterday he called just to talk to Page. It was the sweetest thing ever! She loves her Papa SO much. I hope my Dad lives to 90 or older, too! I guess this all just makes me think about my life and how I should treasure every moment of every day. I hope to live into my 90s and have many children and grandchildren to care about me in my time of need.

OK, I think that's it for now. I just needed to get some of that off my chest to help me work through it. I hope this blog doesn't offend any of my family, as it was only meant to help me through this time. I know we'll all come together as a family when the time comes. That's what is important. Please keep my grandpa, grandma, Mom, and other family in your thoughts and prayers.