Well, I got the news today that they called the family together for my Grandpa. I wish I could be there to say my goodbyes or at least be there for my Mom and Grandma. I have to take solace in knowing that my Dad and sister and brother are around to help out in that department. I know there's really not much else they can do right now, either. My sister has been texting me updates and says that things are going slow. Grandpa still has some kidney function and is still sipping water from time to time. She's not sure if it will happen today or tonight like my mom thought, but it will be soon.
So, I am left here in AZ with my crazy pregnancy hormones taking over my life. I have the kids here and thankfully they've been angels today, but I catch myself breaking into water works every so often... really for no reason at all. The worst was when I grabbed a bib for one of the babies and it was Page's "Great Grandpa Loves You" bib. Whew.... that really got the water works flowing. I'm trying to stay positive and strong. There's really no reason for me to be upset yet. Nothing has happened. But every time I think of my Mom and Grandma just sitting at the house (with all of my wonderful family and extended family that came to be with them)waiting for something to happen, it breaks my heart. Now, I guess I should be grateful that I at least get to sit at home and wait for the call, but maybe not.
Either way, I'm left feeling helpless and guilty. Helpless because there's nothing I (or anyone else) can do and guilty because I lost it today on the phone when I was talking to my mom. I feel so bad for that. I'm supposed to be there for her, not the other way around. I apologized to her profusely, but I still feel guilty for laying some of my burden on her. I don't want her to have to worry about me, too. I guess I will just have to try harder to not let it happen again.
Also, while thinking about it all, I'm left thinking about Grandma and Pop Rolves, too. They've been gone several years now, but both of their birthdays are this month and coming around the corner. Grandma Rolves would have been 90 on the 8th and Pop would have been 93 on the 16th. I thought about them the other day when I switched my calendar to September. I hope they both have wonderful birthdays together playing Euchre, eating pie and ice cream, and laughing with old friends. At least I know that Pa will be able to celebrate soon after he reaches Heaven with two of his old friends. It gives me peace to think of the three of them (with Uncle Leo, too) playing cards and having a great time together again, just like the old days. I guess that's all we can do now, pray for a quick and peaceful end and remember that he will be welcomed by old friends and family in Heaven when he gets there.
4 months ago